Glen Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Hey guys can we start a "JOKE OF THE DAY" thread please ........ well i just did I will start and continue til someone helps me out. I thought this one would be quite funny atm. ************************************************************************ How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop 4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years 12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it 1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb 1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads 12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell 1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs 1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum 5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set. 32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore 8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick. 6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs 15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs 6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong 1 to ask that forum staff backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs 11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
luvemfast Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 That jokes crap Glen! Whats the total number? Doesn't make sense otherwise..... he he
Glen Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 OK heres another When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'. They stopped that Crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Glen Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 A SHORT LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f****** blanket.' After a moment of silence, ......................he farted. The End
reverendzed Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I'm just picking myself up after ROFLMAO!
620Z Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Ha Ha Ha The moral to the story. DON'T GET MARRIED. She won't be nasty but you won't be able to fart!
Glen Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Muhaha Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.' Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!' Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..' Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok' Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates. Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...' Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!' Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank' Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok' Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.' President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!' Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.' President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok' And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.
Zeddophile Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Now that is really REALLY true. Deal with a few Italians through work, and thats about how it goes!
nizm0zed Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009 Scenario : Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns. 2009 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability. Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. 2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario : Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest. 1957 - Ants die. 2009- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario : Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. This should be awake up call to every earth dweller to show how stupid we have become! Think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nizm0zed Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 oh, and for your reference, the Mens guild of rules. To make life easier to enjoy, please read the following instructions. the first set is for your other half, the second set is for you. Rules from men to women: Men are NOT mind readers. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really . Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Rules from men to men: 1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse cool.gif After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes 7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.) 9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'. 12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius? 15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
chris240 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 What Men say...vs...what they mean "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired" = I'm tired. "I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more! "See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair! "Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. "Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks" While shopping: "Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway? "That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
Glen Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 hahaha Sometimes i wake up grumpy......... other times i let her sleep.
Mr240z Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 A few sms jokes i got today................................... Important message from the American Government: All white people report to the cotton fields tomorrow for orientation. ... Obama the 1st black president. Lewis Hamilton the 1st black F1 world champ. Will Smith the world's highest paid actor. Tiger Woods world's best golfer. How times change...... Its a real good time to be black. Poor old Micheal Jackson, must be f#cking kicking himself.
Glen Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 This appeared on a real question and answer wallstreet forum: What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically: - Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)? - Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there? - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out? - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 432279810 THE ANSWER Dear Pers-431649184: I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Toecutter Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Ha I'll have to save that one! What a pisser. Sulio
Sir Ricer Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!" Hahaha........................Me likey this joke long time....Ops, Me do little wee in pants now........ p.s You like my other car
24OZ Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ? The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' says his seat mate. The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place. The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb !'
Scoota G Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Have you heard of the "Australian Kiss" ? It's like the "French kiss" but Down Under.
stevofoxono Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 EDIT by stevo_gj: Yeah I'm worried about being too lenient with the racist jokes after the massive debate it's caused on other threads. Joke removed. -Steve
RBZ 260 Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 damn i missed that one o well here is another one NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this any more, You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.' $50.00 says you're gonna read this again
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