Transformers 2 FAQ **Spoilers**

[Cdr Zero]

Hi guys, here are some interesting questions about Transformers 2 that you might find funny.  It's so true.

 

Just to clarify, I didn't write this, it's done by some guy named Rob.   It was sent to me in an email at work and I thought I'd share.

 

**Spoiler warning, best read after you've seen the movie**

 

 

 

Bonus! Rob's Transformers 2 F.A.Q.s!

Posted at 12:00 PM Jun 26, 2009

Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?

I have no f*cking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart

except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot

who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there

could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

 

What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?

The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. 

We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be

hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

 

What?

Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the

Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the

Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.

 

 

Why is the U.S. military helping them?

Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. 

Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight

involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los

Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai,

China, they seem to be incredibly sh*tty at their job.

 

How does the U.S. military help them?

Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and

stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the

work.

 

Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?

Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft

carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film.

At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing

but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual

action whatsoever.

 

How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?

Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark

that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron,

but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways,

the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than

usual.

 

So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?

Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

 

What?

That's what they said.

 

But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.

Yes.

 

...and now it can also bring him back to life.

It's very powerful, this Allspark.

 

Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?

They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

 

Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?

Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it

doesn't matter.

 

Well, then why do they give a sh*t about Sam?

The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

 

They weren't in the other shard?

Apparently not.

 

So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?

Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who

they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as

Sam. And they made her a huge sl*t.

 

Wait.

Waiting.

 

There's a sl*tty Decepticon?

Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly

powerful sl*t-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

 

Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his

first day of college?

Yes.

 

So the Decepticons made a sl*tty robot to attend his college and

enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case

Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?

Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.

 

How so?

Well, not at all. The sl*t-bot made out with him for a little bit then

immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

 

It sounds preposterous.

Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have

to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

 

Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.

...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil!

He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and

make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.

 

Now you're just making sh*t up as you go along, aren't you?

Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's

head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam

shortly is captured by other, less sl*tty Decepticons in one of the many

instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can

conveniently be in trouble.

Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent

shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.

 

That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?

No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which

has another treasure inside!

 

Really? What is that?

No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the

Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three

Decepticons at once and dies.

 

Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?

I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they

disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about

Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or

dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music

playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that

are off-screen are grieving.

 

Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his

shard piece to resurrect Optimus?

Yes. He could.

 

...

...

 

Well?

He doesn't.

 

Why not?

I'm not sure exactly.

 

Then what the hell does he do?

He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure

out what the Fallen's up to.

 

Which Autobot does the translating?

Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.

 

What. The f*ck.

Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job,

he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers

conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.

 

And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?

Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots

from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad

commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.

 

Where the hell are the other Autobots?

I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're

probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the

reasonable solution here.

 

So Turturro translates the symbols.

No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of

connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased

Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.

 

What good is he dead?!

Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!

 

Not Optimus?

No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... 

find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back

to life.

 

You have to f*cking be kidding me.

Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the

missing Autobots --

 

Wait, what? Teleports?

Yes, teleports.

 

Transformers don't teleport.

Jetfire does.

 

But -- wait a second, he's a f*cking jet. He could fly everybody to

Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character

and the franchise!

Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports

them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes,

and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But

they never did it on planets with life.

Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life

running around, and one of the Primes just said f*ck it, let's do it

anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat

the sh*t out of him although he escaped.

 

Okay...

So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain?

It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of

Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding

machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his

Energon.

 

Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?

Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.

 

I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.

I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of

Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun."

If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime

hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't

that cool?

 

...

...

 

No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave

the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have

hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the f*ck does making a

tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect

the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth

and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?

Uh...

 

And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? 

Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes

just doomed their whole species for no f*cking reason whatsoever! No

wonder the Decepticons are so p*ssed.

...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly

crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it

will bring Optimus back to life.

 

Grr.

What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and

Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a

massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's

corpse.

 

Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be

there in a minute or two.

They don't do that.

 

What?

They walk.

 

Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear

again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.

Yes. Exactly.

 

I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing

questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen,

end of story, right?

Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

 

Really?

Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him

back because he still has work to do.

 

F*ck you.

I'm serious.

 

F*ck you. There's no way.

It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in

The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so

he can bring Optimus back to life.

 

I may be ill.

Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in

front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes

Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and

the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes

of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have

any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.

 

Anything else you want to add?

Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus

Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10

seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.

 

Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?

I can't answer every question, man.

 

BONUS ROUND!

 

So it's not as bad as sh*tting your pants?

Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

 

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad

scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?

I don't have the faintest clue.

 

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Bumblebee to

play when Sam says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' 

"I'm So Excited"?

No. No there couldn't.

 

Why can't Bumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?

Because Bumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. 

This explains how he kills the living f*ck out of a Decepticon later.

 

Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?

Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how

she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the

consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her

it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during

this period). A better question is why any college student in America

would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a

middle-aged woman.

 

A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the

film. How was this done?

Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he

didn't.

 

That doesn't sound "written in" at all.

Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate

to say it "shows up sometimes."

 

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need

testicles?

Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

 

What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why

the f*ck does he stay for the entirety of the movie?

I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of

the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Beef to John

Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. 

Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all

extraneous.

 

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can

the Fallen wave a staff and make sh*t fly around? Why do actual cars and

Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that

other kid can run around?

Because... because F*CK YOU, that's why.

 

Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?

Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one,

yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect

is what's so appealing about her.

 

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter

disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?

When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve

Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and

when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to

Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" 

subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the

simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one

page apart in the script. And yet  Michael Bay either didn't care to

notice or didn't give a f*ck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are

about sh*t blowing up, man."

 

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?

"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scr*tum."

 

[RB30X]

Wow, I thought I liked the movie before this.

 

I guess at the end of the day he paid his money to go see it like everybody else.

[sco_aus]

I still like the movie.  Anyone who thinks the movie was meant to be serious is a clown and hasn't watched the original cartoon.  I will agree on Michael Bay though, i'm not a big fan.

[Cdr Zero]

Nah you can't take it seriously otherwise it ruins the movie.  Gotta say it's pretty funny taking it apart afterwards though! 

[xa1973]

 

Thats a novella if I ever read one....

 

Id sum it up as, Hollywood at its finest make believe pseudo light entertainment for the masses, at its best or worst, whichever way you want to look at it I guess...

 

I take it he'd knock back a Lap Dance from Meagan Fox then..

 

 

[Cdr Zero]

Just to clarify, I didn't write that, it's done by some guy named Rob.   It was sent to me in an email at work and I thought I'd share.

[V8Datto]

I wasn't a fan of the first one, I mean it was...OK, Everone raved about it but I couldn't see why?

 

And the second was good to watch but the story line sucked ass, so many holes.

[RB30X]

How good can a story line be with goodie and baddie robots that transform from coffe machines and mobile phones and ice cream trucks.

[sco_aus]

I preferred the first one, mainly cos much like Michael Bay, I get a fat from massive military firepower (scene with A10 warthogs and AC130 spectre gun ship shooting the scorpion thing) and I reckon the first one had abetter story line.  But hey, I have watched 2 twice and i'll watch it again...

[luvemfast]

Thats gold 

So many questions about the film, but who cares at the end of the day.

I walked out of the cinema with a smile on my face, that could have been from laughing at the young buck next to us (that reminded me of Chris from Family Guy) that was throwing punches in his seat during the fight scenes as though he was making a difference 

[RBZ 260]

lol it is funny some things but who ever watched the film was either half pissed or didnt pay attention.

 

anyway few lines there were made up and not correspondign to the acutal movie. story confused which makes the movie more silly that it actualy was.

 

though personaly i loved it and its was a great movie. for those that think scifi is link to reality shouldnt realy go watch such movies but movies  "my big fat greek weeding" , or any other boring chick flick